Born Smart

Our shame comes from negative messages , beliefs and rules that we hear as we grow up. It is
the painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad,
inadequate, phony or a failure. The difference between shame and guilt is that we feel guilt for
doing something bad, but we feel shame for being something bad.
Examples of how children can be shamed by parents and others in authority like, teachers and
clergy.
• the parent or caretaker imply that a child is not wanted.
• When a child is humiliated in public.
• When disapproval is aimed towards the child’s entire being and not the specific
behaviour.
• When a child must hide part of his being to be accepted, for example, his needs, joys,
sorrows, hostilities, fears, mistakes, successes.
• When a child’s emotional or physical boundaries are violated as occurs in evident or
hidden abuse.
• When children feel that they have no privacy, e.g. parents go through their personal
belongings or diaries.
• When events or gifts important to the child are treated with indifference.
• When a child feels that parents are in some way different from other powerful figures in
their world, e.g. immigrant parents, racial minority, poverty.
• When a child feels that a parent or member of the family is in some way flawed
compared to other adult figures in his or her world, e.g. where a family member is
alcoholic or has a physical or mental disability, and that difference is never discussed or
the child can’t express feelings about the impact of that difference.
• When trust in important adult figures is damaged or destroyed through inconsistency or
neglect.
• When a child grows up with adults who are ashamed and feel powerless in the world.
• When a child is made to feel flawed, worthless, unlovable, or unwanted in the broader
world or community, e.g. learning disabilities, inappropriate dress compared with peers.
• When a child is consistently held responsible for the actions or emotional state of the
parent or the child cannot live up to the unrealistic expectations of the parent.
• When parents use silent disgust as a way of disciplining, children feel that their entire
being is bad and there is no opportunity to repair the relationship.